Oddly Normal = Normally Odd

I AM VERY HUNGRY..!!

things are lookin up pretty well of late.. Lady Luck has probably returned to my side after many months being left high and dry.. or maybe He has heard my prayers.. forever will be thankful..

things that have changed..

1. i have been assigned to another department and i have never felt better in the many months i've been in non-voice..
2. i don't feel tensed and swallowed each time i step into the office..
3. i don't get upset and pissed when i'm all alone at home anymore..
4. i've completed my studies [FINALLY..!] although i still have to wait another 2 months for my results..

and i am still very hungry..

i probably need to stock up snacks in my cupboard pretty soon..

to turn..

"just another set back.." she said, trying her hardest not to sigh. the emotional roller coaster ride seemed never ending.

with the blink of an eye, the end of 2009 is drawin near.. so what have we achieved..?

nothin much, or rather, NOTHIN on my end.. hopes dashed, followed by clutters of uncertainties.. i'm tryin my best to push myself and most of the time my feeble attempts of applyin 'Self-Motivation' to make it through the day proves futile..

i hate to say this but i think i'm losin THAT side of me.. the side which always triggers the happy thoughts each time i feel a storm comin.. the side which stops the tears from wellin and the anger from eruptin..

i was lookin forward to a greater and better year but sometimes lookin is just not enough.. physical impairments were inevitable and denied me of so many things.. it started from a small scratch [which proved occupationally fatal..] to what seems like a long-term infliction and the best part is i don't know when it will get better..

i am wishin and prayin very, very hard that this whirlwind of events will end soon.. it is too painful to swallow everythin at one go.. strangely, i still find it difficult to adapt to these changes even after all these months.. very unlike me..

i had my goals but they were obstructed and back to the bottom i went but i know i will scale my way up again somehow.. it took me three years to get to where i graciously was and i'm sure i'll be able to attempt that feat again..

i need the drive and motivation and i've misplaced it somewhere.. please help me take my mind off these things..

**i thank YOU for grantin me my only place of solace with my HuBBy dearest.. he has been the only wonderful thing that happened to me and please do not take that away from me too..

Fragile; This Way Up

this is me, i guess..

i think my leg and feet has issues with me.. i was ponderin, one day while i was at the bus stop waitin for the bus to go home, why must it always be the leg..? check out the list:

1. secondary 3, i fractured my left shin.
2. i was 23, i fractured both my heels and lower spine.
3. earlier this year, i tore the skin of my right foot.
4. a month ago, i fractured my left big toe. [and i only found out about it 3 weeks after i fell..!]

sir desmond was right to have given me the 'Most Fragile Cadet' certificate back then.. if i knew these were goin to happen, i would have insured my legs years ago.. hahahaha..!

then again, i did fracture my left arm when i was 4..

i am a walkin disaster..!

**what's up with me and fallin, man..?

please allow me..

I HATE MY JOB..!

is it wrong to express myself in words that i hate my job..?

for what it's worth..

a journey unfilled with happiness,
as taken away by wrath and displeasure..
muted by guilt thus truly ominous,
a hope to break free, a melancholic desire..

through the glass pane, time ticks away
obstinacy prevails,
the enigma of fate..?

diminish the fear..
relinquish the tear..

return the days of glory again..
i miss being on top of the world each and everyday when i step into the office, knowin that i will be doin somethin great for someone and that people depend on me..

the fear of failure..
the nerves to numbness..
to succumb to the reality,
is
to fade one's existence..
it is mundane now and i feel myself fallin into the darkest pit hole EVERY SINGLE DAY..!

and solitude empathizes,
the fool's fate and faith
but where shall the arrows fly..?
the smiling facade
with
the bleeding heart..
i have to pretend that everythin is alright and that this will not last long.. BUT THIS IS NOT TRUE..!

embalm the memories..
to ignite the passion
or
outgrow the endeared
with disdain to the entity..?
I JUST WANT TO DO WHAT I LIKE TO DO AND WHAT I'M GOOD AT.. i am reminded of all the fun times when i was still doin my previous job and the ease that i feel and when i feel tired after a day's work, i know that i did a good job..

**one of these days i know i will break and i will have to face the fact that i'm stuck here.. i just hate my job.. please..

yielding to..?

the fear of failure..
the nerves to numbness..
to succumb to the reality,
is
to fade one's existence..

and solitude empathizes,
the fool's fate and faith
but where shall the arrows fly..?
the smiling facade
with
the bleeding heart..

embalm the memories..
to ignite the passion
or
outgrow the endeared
with disdain to the entity..?

for what it's worth..

for what it's worth..

a journey unfilled with happiness,
as taken away by wrath and displeasure..
muted by guilt thus truly ominous,
a hope to break free, a melancholic desire..

through the glass pane, time ticks away
obstinacy prevails,
the enigma of fate..?

diminish the fear..
relinquish the tear..

return the days of glory again..

salutations..

The 14th of March 2006 shall hold a dear awakening in my life. It made me recognise the importance of family & opened my eyes to the real world of friendship. Many people walk in & out of our lives but only a handful of those people are worth to be called friends. I shall not 'divulge' too much about something we all already know of, as it does tend to lead to redundancy.

Being on the receiving end of the consequence of the fateful fall, it shook me only a few days after experiencing the life on a hospital bed. My mind was still obscure about what that had struck me but one day, I woke up & realise that I was actually there, lying on that dreaded bed & my future temporarily on hold. It was like as if time had stopped for me. With no school, no job & worst of all no mobility, I could see myself as a burden to those around me, those close to me; my family.

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Independence. A very big lesson I learnt that made me look at this word from another perspective & just an advice, accidents can happen anytime & anywhere. The independence that I know of is not sufficient to carry me out into the world as I have discovered. What I have with me now is more of a habitual characteristic, which has been instilled in me & known to me as "on my own". I have yet to discover more, of which will be a very important essential in this life.

Although self knows me as being very tolerant to physical pain, nothing has burnt me more than the emotional pain that the accident has brought me. It is not the swollen & bruised feet with fractured heels & a broken spine that breaks me but the cut in my heart, knowing that my family cries in silence because of me. This is where the real big 'I' word comes in. For the first few days, I could not do anything without the help of the people around me. The nurses, my family & the friends who came to visit were always the victims of my cries for help, be it the simplest act of pouring me a glass of water to a slightly difficult task of getting me cleaned up & dressed every morning.

In a way, the accident has also opened my eyes to issues concerning my past, present & future.

The past has contributed greatly to what I have become today. Those days of "pure innocence", carefully guarded under the watchful eyes of fearful parents & the "white lies" that were given as excuses to stay out a bit later after school were, for some reason, the catalyst push that lead to the me today, however it is to be interpreted as. The transition from childhood to my heydays was not as enjoyable (although interesting) as I hoped it would be.

Nothing came easy for me & being the stubborn person that I was & still am, it did not make things any easier when I started assuming that everything was done against my will & consent. I wanted things to go my way & that was when the rebelling kicked in. I took things for granted, went against them & took matters into my own hands, without realising that I was hurting the people who cared for me. It felt like a tight slap on the face when one day I received news that I had been expelled from school. I felt the whole world crashing down on me at that very moment but still that did not change my views on my life. I remained rebellious & nonchalant about the people around me & how they felt.

I was very much on my own since the expelling incident, be it finding a job to feel secure to making the choice of progressing my studies, but the "young adult's independence" that I very much believed in was just another growing up phase that every teenager goes through & nothing much came out of it. Yes, I was on my own financially but that was about all. The only fun & joy I got out of it was just being able to spend the money that I had earned without having to answer to anyone but what I realised later on was that I presently still have to rely on my parents for the roof over my head & the food on the table. Now with my additional immobility, I learn with much difficulty how to move around the house with minimal help. That is another knowledge that I can add into my "Independence Book".

From there too I discovered that my past actions were just a way of escaping to be free instead of standing on my two feet to get through life. This negatively sub-conscious attitude has gotten me into quite a lot of trouble & I think it is about time I look at myself in the mirror & make the necessary changes to help me go through life as simple & as beneficial as possible.

I have yet to finish my studies & repay my father the school fees that he had paid for. I have yet to achieve my dreams of being successful in the radio production & broadcasting world. I have not reached the point in life where I can proclaim that I can provide for my family & until the day I am able to do so, I am nowhere near real independence.
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Everyone has his or her own friendship stories. Not all of us can predict how far one friendship can last. Some are meant to last decades while others last as long as the sun shines in the day.

I have my own fair share of acquaintances throughout. I have never judged my friends from their outlooks or backgrounds because I believe in being true to one’s self. I accept all of them for what they are, be it the "girl groupies" to the "boys' club", from the quietest nature to the daring, outspoken ones. I learn a lot from the characteristics of these people I call friends as they play a part in the formation of my own self.

I was unable to differentiate between having a good time & putting myself at risk of quarrelling with my father. Most of the time, I fall into the latter & end up hating myself for it. I do not like regretting my actions but these are the small things that I do that can lead me to a state of remorse. When the days are bright & cheerful, I love having my friends around me to share the fun & laughs that we have but it is through the rough patches that our friendships are tested. Once in need, a true friend will not turn his or her back on us. Not everyone is capable of such simplicity but unknowingly some people do posses this quality. A true friend does not hide behind a hypocritical smile just to please the one he or she calls a friend. These are the lessons I have learnt from friendships that have both progressed & recoiled.

Reminiscing, friendship has brought about somewhat new meanings to itself. Not only does it raise the awareness of different acquaintance status, it also makes me more conscious to the traits of the people that I mix around with. It does not change the fact that I do not judge my friends but it simply means that I shall have to be more careful when socialising.

Throughout the whole time I was in the state of immobility, loneliness & almost at the verge of succumbing to depression, the handful few were there to keep me sane & to remind me that there is more to life than just moping to sadness. Never forgetting me in their thoughts & prayers, keeping in touch by the simple act of calling to say "hello" or giving surprise visits now & then are the few things that make me appreciate these people & they truly deserve the title of a true friend.

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Sometimes we should not overlook the simple things that we come across, as they may be the one missing piece of puzzle in our lives. Never take for granted the love, care & concern that are showered upon us especially those coming from the people close to our hearts. We can never know if we could show the same gratitude that they have bestowed to us.

It may seem deep & significant to comprehend but think of it as something to ponder upon as we carry on with our daily lives. I will not be writing this if not for the mishap that had incurred. It certainly has an impact, direct or indirectly, on how I see myself from another person's perception. It is never too late to reform one's self as how I am going to take this opportunity to change for the better. Like they always say, there is always a silver lining behind grey skies.

**i can't believe i wrote this..

***comatose//

if i have to describe what i feel as of now, this is it.. no other words can describe it..

i can talk, i can't speak
i can see, i can't look
i can hear, i can't listen
i can touch, i can't feel
i can taste, i can't savour..

there is no way in Heaven i am goin to outsmart the Devil..

over you..

i didn't realise that it has been a month since i started workin.. goodness, how time flies..! i only realized it when the HR placed the payslip on my table.. i found out some stuff which made me realize that i was not over my previous job.. haha..!

1) O.T.I.I.S. - M.A.R.M.S.
2) morning briefings
3) 5 star customer service standards
4) headset [for answering the phone]

there's probably more but that's all i can think of for now.. work is ok, nothin interestin to tell unless you want to know how bad some of the callers can be.. i feel for them but they seem to blame us, the ones who answer their calls, as if we were the ones who caused them whatever the inconvenience that they faced.. what can one do..? take it as it is, i guess.. a day in the life of a CSR..

i received a good news last week.. my s|zzy's finally gettin engaged..! welcome to club, my lady..! you are a s|nGLes_OuT late [because one of us is already married..] but it's better late than never as they say.. haha..!

went to watch Monsters vs Aliens just now.. we watched the 3D version & it was amazin..! hahaha.. don't mind me, i've never watched a 3D movie before..

i wish i could say i really want to say but everytime i look at the keyboard, everythin gets lost..

**now i'll get lost..

ghost..

what was i thinkin..?? i shouldn't have & i mustn't have..!

it is still buggin me even though it has been YEARS since i promised myself NOT to see what i'm not supposed to see, NOT to hear what i'm not supposed to hear & NOT to read what i'm not supposed to read..you couldn't help it, could you? curiousity killed the cat, get it..? i can be such a dumb-ass at times..!

i wish i didn't have to know about it from the BEGINNIN so that i can avoid all this self-complications..

**screw YOU, coward mothafucker.. even after all these years..

i SOLD my SOUL to the Devil.. literally..

i have to admit.. i do miss the Powersuits, the stockins & covered shoes, the cup & saucer/tall glass approach.. but most of all, i miss Pru.. i think it has grown on me.. when you say "PROFESSIONAL", it's Pru that comes to mind..

i look around me & see these people in their flip-flops, open-toes and sandals with little or no make-up & it irks me so much..! the partitioned cubicles & people sittin there with sweaters & cardigans just makes my hair stand..! i have nothin against these people, truthfully.. it's just that the whole slacked "formal" attire that they impose doesn't seem justified enough for me.. you may sound "professional" but you don't strike to me as one.. maybe i'm just not used to the whole environment yet but then again, i hope i don't get accustomed because i don't wish to..!

i made friends with the new batch & apparently the only other malay girl happens to share the same birth date as me.. how cool is that..? haha..!

well this is the just the beginnin.. let's see if i can outsmart the Devil into returnin my soul..

my bad..

..so i was wrong..

i had a blast for my 26th [eve].. all thanks to those who came up with the lepak-ing idea on that fateful saturday.. haha..!

birthday eve, went to watch Fast & Furious 4 with HuBBy, the boys & Armelia.. then we headed down to Ming Arcade & joined the remainin casts for karaoke session.. & they got me a CAKE..! hehehe..

came home & got another surprise.. my whole family was at my place & sittin on the coffee table was The ELMO Cake..! i love it..! so sayang.. i couldn't bear to cut the whole cake so i cut AROUND Elmo.. hahaha..!

thank you HuBBy for the wonderful surprise.. love you..!

thank you to all for the warm wished & those who remembered my birthday..

anyway, my uncle from KL passed away on the same day of my 26th.. haven't seen him for about 5 or 6 years now but we weren't very close.. what a closure..

**it wasn't so bad afterall..

drivin miss daisy.. drivin me crazy..

i've lost my drive & feel insecure about what's goin to happen next.. nothin seems right & apparently i'm attractin unhealthy aura of pessimism.. i forsee an unhappy 26th next week but i guess i'll only know when it comes..

what's goin to happen next..?
what should i do..?

the best thing..

..about now is that now i have time to do whatever that i have planned out in the recent months but there is a slight problem.. i need a job to fulfil that plan.. *sigh*

so unsucessful for the past month & i am really hopin that somethin comes UP soon before "somethin else" comes OUT because if it does, then i am in big, big trouble for the next few months.. *crosses fingers*

guess what i did one evenin to HuBBy while he was pretendin not to hear me while i was tellin him the wonderful story of how i spent my day at home & the strange things that i found while cleanin the house..?



BUT i'm not lettin him pierce his ears though..! of course not..! haha..! but it's cute on him, isn't it..?

**sigh

so-ooo belated...

i have been lazy...

& confused...

& angry...

anyway, i drafted my thank you SMS but i didn't send it out because it was very long & i wanted to say it in person but i thought it'll be too gaudy, if you know what i mean.. here goes..

"Dear frens...
Thank you so very much from the bottom of our hearts for all your hardwork, dedication & sacrifices in makin our weddin such a memorable & beautiful one... You guys have done so much that we can't thank you enough...

Ayu & Yandi, thank you for the marvellous dance, kompang, hairstylin, samping ikat-ing, songkok..

Sara & Haas, thank you for the car, the beautiful makeup, the digital album..

Mother & Hairin, thank you for being there emotionally & rushin down for the nikah, i really appreciate that..

Ida & Andai, thank you for your patience, assistance throughout, lettin us use the car to ferry us back & forth & keepin our nerves calm with your antics..

Above all, thank you for standin by us throughout the whole plannin process up to the weddin itself.. It has been our Dream Weddin come true..! Our thanks also to Abg Dzul & Yanny as well as to Shedah & partner (sorry babe, we didn't catch his name.. :p)..

You guys are the best..!

Love iDa & MaN"



well, i'm still job huntin & it hasn't been easy.. so tired of playin "housewife" & i'm gettin bored by the day.. somebody save my soul..! poor HuBBy has to work extra, extra hard & it's all because of me.. story of my life..