it's just emotions..

it's just emotions..


i had a chat with aDeK FiD the day before yesterday but unfortunately the conversation got cut off when a call came in.. it amazed me how emotionally smart she was, considering the fact that i don't let out a 100% of my thoughts into my entries.. yes, i do vent my anger out publicly & yes, i do shed my tears in the open without being seen but trust me, they are never fully expressed.. when she told me that i needed a companion through these times, i had to agree.. no matter how much i bluff myself that i can go through these periods alone, i don't deny that i need that other arm of support..

from the start, i saw & witnessed for myself how friends turned their backs against me because of my condition.. look at the number of people who suddenly 'emerged' with apologies & 'reasons' [more like excuses] for their disappearance..

"hey..! i heard you can walk.. so can we go out on a date now?"
"so how's the leg? great..! how does dinner tomorrow sound?"
"sorry i didn't visit you while you were in hospital.. was busy with some stuffs.."
"sorry i haven't been calling you.. didn't want to further upset you with my presence.."
"great to hear the cast is off.. do you still look the same or are you fatter now?"

those are just the few.. there's more but i don't want to go further.. it does hurt but hey.. it's human nature.. i can't go around pointin out people's flaws.. sorry if i hurt anyone with those remarks.. thanks aDeK for openin my eyes & makin me realise that i have to be true to myself..

anyway, i'm havin difficulties fallin in love.. really..! stupid & strange as it may sound, i definitely feel that i do.. there's a guy who i've known for slightly over 3 years.. i loved him once & i felt that i still do but when he came back into my life, it just felt different.. there's another guy who i've known for less than half a year but he seems to know me inside out.. he's sweet, considerate & lovin but i can't reciprocate the feelin.. another soul that i knew, he's like a lady's man.. suave & charmin but his sugar-coated words can't seem to move me..

i can get along well with these creatures but for some reason when they try to get closer beyond friendship, i get the chills.. you get what i'm tryin to say..? hey, they are great people who make great friends but that doesn't mean they would make great companions.. don't get me wrong here.. i'm still tryin to resolve this issue & find a solution to this setback.. i'm not out to hurt anyone's feelings [as i've mentioned many, many times before] but i'm just leavin my options open.. i'm not just goin to jump into a relationship with any Tom, Dick or Harry like i used to do.. hell no..!

oh darn it.. yet another long entry.. sorry guys.. hehe..